Love & relationships
Life after an adultery: to forgive or to say goodbye?
Until a few centuries ago, in spite of the freedom of manners in some social circles, women could not even think about getting away from their cheating men – except to a monastery or a scaffold.
Now the situation has changed, and each woman, unless she is bound with a man by some terrible secrets, always has a choice: to forgive the betrayal and stay or to go.
We would tell you how to make a right decision to not regret it later.
Hold your emotions under control
Natalie and Boris have lived together for 5 years. Their life together was fun, interesting and full of bright emotions. All was well, until one day Natalie had an accident and has landed in the hospital.
Boris didn’t seem himself that time. He rarely came to visit his wife, left early and generally behaved very strangely. Soon she learned from the “well-wishers” that Boris has got himself a mistress. Natalie was shocked, offended and angry.
She felt betrayed. The moment her husband appeared in the hospital she told him she knew everything and didn’t want to see him anymore. Natalia loved her husband, but she could not forgive betrayal, despite the fact that the traitor begged her for forgiveness and said he was sorry for his mistake.
Boris tried several times to amend his mistake, but to no avail. Natalia was adamant.
Years later after several marriages Natalia had a different opinion about the Boris’ treason. “I am very sorry that I rashly decided to give up and did not even try to understand the situation. Boris was sorry but I do not forgive him. It looks like I have destroyed my own life because of my anger. Now I would not have done so.” – says she.
But this, of course, does not mean that toy should forgive cheating. Besides, you never know what would happen if Natalia had forgiven Boris.
Let’s have a look at another story. Lena lived with her husband for ten years, and at some point she has suddenly found out that he was cheating on her for almost six months with another woman.
Lena was so scared that he would leave her, that she immediately forgave her man, said that she loved him and begged him not to leave the family. The husband have stayed, but after a year Lena has learned that he had a new mistress. This happened three more times until he finally left with another woman.
Lena still regrets that she forgave him then and spent so much time on someone who did not love her for a long time. In the end she was still left alone, in a worse condition than before and with a completely lowered self-esteem.
So how does one learn to not act in the heat of the moment?
Cheating is, of course, very painful, and the idea that a loved one has betrayed you can bring anyone out of balance and push to rash actions. Yet, if this happens, try to pull yourself together and do not make rush decisions under the influence of anger, resentment, and even more so the fear of loneliness.
When emotions pass, you will bitterly regret the rush decision. Try to spend some time alone. Do not attempt to sort things out until you cool down and be able to calmly analyze the situation and make a measured decision.
Not knowing the reason for the cheating, you will not be able to make the right choices and bring relations to the new level if you decide to remain together.
If you have caught your partner red-handed in the moment of cheating, then hold back emotions. Most likely it will be difficult, but do not deny the very possibility of further analysis of the situation – you might change your mind later.
Weight all pro’s and con’s
Anna learned about her husband’s betrayal by accident. She just saw him kissing another woman in the car, while on the phone he said that would stay late at work. Anne did not want to make scandal with the unfaithful spouse. She left for a few days to the country house and after careful consideration made a decision. Anne has suddenly realized that her cheating husband has just given her a free hand.
Their relationships have been bumpy for a while and all her attempts to make their boring family life interesting have met no support from her husband. “I do not want to live with this person, I do not love him,” – she realized suddenly.
She explained it to her husband and they have parted ways. Anne has never regretted her decision. She felt relieved that her husband’s cheating helped her to make a decision that was brewing for a long time.
It might have been different…
Alex has cheated on Inga. She heard about it and thought about the reasons, because there has never been any conflict between them. Inga decided to talk with him frankly, because she had to take a serious decision about the continuation of family relationships. After the conversation she realized that she was partly guilty.
During the years of marriage Inga has changed, and not for the better: she was no longer looking after herself, abandoned her hobbies and paid less attention to her husband. She immersed herself in the care for children and no longer felt herself an attractive woman.
Alex said that he loved his wife, but got bored with her. He missed the old Inga – fun and energetic. The couple spoke openly with each other and decided to change to save their relationship.
Inga again started to care for look and organize the family leisure, while Alex began to pay more attention to children. So the couple was able to understand each other better and to fulfill each others needs.
If you decided to break up with the traitor, do not do it just because you experience negative emotions. When you calm down you can talk to your partner and analyze the situation.
It often so happens that cheating just shows the long-standing problems of the pair. It can both help to improve relations and bring them to a new level, or break the couple, whose relations have come to a dead end.
Here are a few questions that you should ask yourself when making decision:
- What would happen if you would do it?
- What would not happen if you would do it?
- What would not happen if you would not do it?
- What would happen if you would not do it?
This method will help you both to analyze the situation and to better understand yourself, get answers from your own subconscious.
Should you stay or should you go?
Leave to stay
Sara and Vlad had a quarrel. He got drunk in a nightclub and cheated on her with some girl. As soon as Sara knew it she immediately stopped seeing him and answering his calls. The guy felt guilty, prayed for mercy, said that he loved her. She was adamant and insisted that they needed to take a break.
However, after a while she agreed to listen to the arguments, forgave Vlad and promised to think everything over. Sara said that she was embarrassed by the way Vlad tried to solve problems, and she was afraid that he would do so every time.
The guy had to work hard to earn back his girlfriends trust, but everything has come to a happy ending. Vlad was so afraid of loosing Sara that he has never thought of repeating his mistake ever again.
Speaking of Sara, in fact she quickly forgave Vlad, but did not want everything to go so easy for him. “If I would have forgiven him at once, he would have thought that he’d get away with it, and there would be a repeat situation. This way he realized that I was not joking and has learned his lesson well.” – explains the girl.
If you decide to forgive the traitor and stay with him, do not immediately tell him about it. Too easy forgiveness can inspire confidence in his own impunity, and the occasional cheating might become traditional cure for the problems.
Stay to leave?
Lydia has learned that Serge is cheating on her. She has talked to him and he has confessed in everything. He has sworn that it meant nothing as he was living with her and loved just her. Lydia agreed because she loved Serge very much.
But then their family life turned into a nightmare. Whatever Lydia did she saw signs of Serge cheating everywhere. “What can’t he get from me?”, – thought Lydia. “What does he need?” To improve her lowered self-esteem the girl has found a lover, and then another one.
In general, after a series of love-affairs he confidence in her own attractiveness returned, but she still could not live with Serge. She could not trust him anymore.
An adultery hurts your ego and reduces self-esteem. Cheating yourself looks like the easiest way to raise self-esteem.
It creates a vicious circle: it seems the person has forgiven you, but then cheats to “equal the score”. That is, the problem is not solved by a frank conversation between the partners. It is denied and goes beyond the family.
You should not turn your relationships into the battlefield. If you can not forgive your partner and begin to trust him again, it’s better to leave him. Otherwise your life will turn into a nightmare with constant suspicion and possible betrayals in return.
How to live after an adultery?
An adultery always finds a person by surprise. It is impossible to prepare oneself for it, and your response might be quite unpredictable for both of you. Whatever decision you take, it is important to let go of the situation after the incident and forgive the offender.
It is not so much needed for the offender, but more to yourself.
Of course, it is difficult to restore faith in people and love after you were betrayed, but the faster you can get rid of resentment and anger, the sooner your life will improve and your heart would open again to love.
Any relationships are impossible without trust. By engaging in them we always run the risk, because a fulfilling life is impossible without it.
If you have not forgiven your partner and did not complete the situation, then it may emotionally affect you even years after you have broken up, undermining your psyche.
These techniques will help you to free your heart from the burden of resentment:
- Take a comfortable position, close your eyes and say (out loud or silently): “I’m letting go of the burden of the past. I forgive (the name of the person) who has done harm to me. I am grateful for everything good that he has brought to me.
I am letting him go with love in peace. Everything is fine.” Or “I forgive myself and I forgive life. Everything is fine and peaceful in my soul.”
You can perform this meditation taking a fragrant bath or just sitting in a comfortable chair, listening to pleasant music. The main thing is that you should be calm and relaxed.
- Close your eyes, gradually relaxing your muscles. Imagine yourself the royal and influential persons on a throne or even a goddess, beautiful and almighty. Everyone loves you and is ready to fulfill any your whim.
Your servants (or angels) bring your offender as… a child. He looks at you with admiration and awe, realizes his mistake, realizes his mistake and asks your to forgive him.
As a sign of forgiveness you shower him with rose petals and say, “I forgive you!”
He smiles happily and thanks you for your generosity. You can imagine giving him something symbolizing forgiveness. Your heart feels peaceful and calm.